At some point in our lives, we all face challenges, stressful situations, unfairness or even trauma. These experiences can leave emotional imprints, shaping our emotions, perceptions and behaviors. This, in turn, can affect how we view the world, others and even ourselves. For example, when someone treats us poorly or betrays us, we may wonder, “What is wrong with me?” or “Did I cause this?”, or think, “I must be the problem.” This internalization can lead us to question ourselves — and at times even our own self-worth.

If something similar happens again, it can reinforce the belief that there is something “wrong” with us. Over time, we may develop an untrue and unhelpful story about ourselves. This can prevent us from developing trusting, meaningful relationships with others and with ourselves.

But here’s the truth … you are not your problems. You are not what happened to you. You are not defined by your past nor by someone else’s mistreatment. People give you want they have inside. So, if someone offers hurt, it says more about the state of their internal world than it does about you.

If you’ve been hurt or treated unfairly, here are some things to help you cope with or navigate the situation.

• Acknowledge your feelings to yourself. Own them. Face them. Feel them. Honor them. Journaling can often help us clarify how we feel and can help us develop self-compassion — a necessary step toward healing from a negative experience. As grief expert David Kessler says, “You cannot heal what you cannot feel.” Try not to distract yourself or talk yourself out of your feelings. It takes courage to face discomfort, but it is so important to do.

• Examine the message. Ask yourself if there’s any truth behind the person’s words. For example, if someone criticized you harshly, can you remove the harshness and examine the core message? Was there any valid feedback worth considering about your words or actions? If so, acknowledge it. However, do not internalize their anger or harsh tone — that is their “stuff,” not yours. Do not take in what doesn’t belong to you.

• Communicate (if appropriate). If it’s reasonable and safe to do so, discuss the unfair treatment with the person. Use “I” language to express how you felt. For example, “I felt hurt/upset/diminished/angry when you said/did XYZ.” This allows you to take responsibility for your feelings while also sharing how their actions affected you. People often act out of habit or ignorance and may not realize the impact of their behavior. Your feedback could foster awareness. If they are open to hearing you, follow up with how you would have preferred they had acted (e.g., speaking in a respectful tone, calmly, etc.).

• Maintain boundaries. If the person is intentionally malicious and harmful, maintain distance and uphold boundaries. Recognize that their behavior is likely to reflect their internal struggles. Their poor choices are their responsibility — not yours.

• Reach out for support. Talk to a trusted friend, loved one or therapist. Sometimes, talking through a situation can make it easier to manage. Sharing your burden can bring relief — you don’t have to carry it alone.

A final thought: Carl Jung, renowned psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, once said, “I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” As we navigate life’s challenges, it’s important to remember this truth. In doing so, we take our power back. In fact, we realize it never left us.

If you’re struggling with any of the issues mentioned above, or anything else, don’t hesitate to reach out to Psychological Services Bureau at (213) 738-3500 for free and confidential services. We’re here to support you with compassion, understanding and care. You deserve to feel heard, supported and empowered.