Romantic partnerships in law enforcement can experience unique and significant hurdles, which those in other industries might not even consider. From round-the-clock working hours to stress-filled encounters with constant traumatic incidents, the rigor of the job can take a toll on personal relationships. For many deputies, the impact of their job permeates their romantic lives, complicating communication, intimacy and general connection with partners.

While men and women in the profession tend to marry and divorce repeatedly over their careers, there are also some that stay together for decades. So what is different between couples who make it and those who don’t? Here are the top three behaviors that resilient couples practice.

Start a conversation at neutral times. Due to the general scarcity of time for those in law enforcement, when you have the time, you cherish all those moments you can spend together as a couple. In those moments, you do not want to add conflict, complaining or “nagging” to the conversations; understandably, you want to enjoy time together. But it often leads to surface-level conversations. You are in a rut and confronted with a cycle where you and your partner are both feeling distant, not communicating and like you are on opposite teams. Then, when you inevitably disagree about anything, the arguments start piling up, and both of you are exhausted and willing to do anything to prevent any other disagreements. This is how the cycle starts all over again.

Over time, deep/authentic conversations are only being had during arguments. How can we prevent this cycle? Even when things are scary, engage in genuine and authentic conversations when things happen. This sometimes means disagreeing with the other person’s point of view when you are not arguing. Share your thoughts and feelings, even if they do not make for fun conversations. During these “nonheated/neutral” moments, the two of you can truly hear and consider what your partner is saying. Allow yourself the opportunity to notice disagreements without automatically getting into an argument. Having a few minutes to connect, to talk openly and honestly with one another, even if about a difference of opinion in this case, leaves you with a strong understanding where you both know “the other person” is ultimately going to make you feel connected and aware of each other’s viewpoints.

The daily check-in. Do you and your significant other find yourselves doing daily tasks together and feel that one day flows into the next? There is always something that demands our attention. It often makes sense to put off a conversation to take care of a situation at work or with family members. The couples who withstand their marriages/relationships are usually those who speak daily. This does not have to be hours long. Commit to spending 10–15 minutes each day giving each other 100% of your attention. Try to spend this time together, in person, without phones or other electronics. But even if work schedules aren’t conducive to allowing this, make it a priority to engage in a daily phone call with your significant other. These short check-ins, where you can discuss anything on your mind, especially when you can hear each other’s voice (instead of text messaging), will naturally elevate your connection toward each other.

Make time for intimacy. Work, stress, kids, exercise and professional demands make it easy to push intimacy in your relationship to the backseat. We don’t usually mean to go days without touching, looking at or talking to each other. In couples, the first disconnection occurs most often regarding intimacy. This is very much a part of your love life. Most couples experience thriving physical and sexual connections in the initial stages of their relationship. As time goes by, however, they tend to allow other “stuff” to get in the way. While the excitement of the new relationship is difficult to match, it is essential to continue working on maintaining a healthy sexual connection. Keep your relationship on a slow burn, letting the tension build and the connection intensify over time. Cultivate intimacy by gradually allowing your relationship to develop, creating a steady connection buildup. Every couple deepens their intimacy in their own way, so take the time to discover what works for you. Focus on deliberate behaviors and actions that keep the temptation alive, helping you to view your partner as a sexual being continually.

If you would like more assistance in navigating romantic relationships or help with finding ways to feel more connected to your significant other, contact the Psychological Services Bureau at (213) 738-3500 for a free and confidential consultation or appointment with a licensed clinical psychologist or to connect with a Peer Support member or chaplain.