While we may all have different ideas of how to find it, we are all looking for happiness. I imagine you (or someone you know) has worked to get an education, a career, the “perfect” partner, a house in a certain neighborhood, a particular car, etc., in hopes that once it was achieved/obtained, it would lead to happiness. I also imagine you (or someone you know) has gotten what they worked for, been happy for some length of time and then realized that this thing that required all this work and effort is no longer leading to the happiness originally felt.
Well, what if I told you that the key to your happiness is completely within your control 100% of the time, and that it doesn’t require any time at all to achieve? While many of us have the tendency to look outside of ourselves to find happiness, the answer is, in fact, inside. You see, our feelings (read happiness) are directly related to our thoughts. While something might happen that is upsetting (i.e., someone does or says something we don’t like), the thing that keeps those negative feelings alive for us is our tendency to focus on the incident long after it’s over. Think about how many times you have sat in traffic, then got to wherever you were going and talked about sitting in traffic, and then thought about the prospect of more traffic when you were getting ready to head back home. All that thinking about traffic leads to feelings of, I don’t know … dread, frustration, annoyance, stress. Even while you were sitting in traffic, what made it so bad were the thoughts you had about the situation you were in. Maybe something like, “I don’t have time for this” or “I’m going to be late” or “I hate this.” It’s hard to feel joy when you have thoughts like these on repeat in your mind, right?
If you wanted to stop feeling those negative feelings, all you would have to do is stop thinking the thoughts that create them. Easier said than done, I know. But it is completely possible. Afterall, you are the only one who controls what goes on in your mind. You can decide to “push the stop button” on the negative thoughts and “pick” something else to listen to.
Here’s how:
1. Identify your negative thinking. One way to do this is to pay attention to how you are feeling. If you are feeling badly, it is likely that you’re thinking negative thoughts. Another option is to write your thoughts down and then reread them. Sometimes seeing them on paper (maybe even reading them aloud) helps us become aware of our thoughts that might otherwise be a bit automatic.
2. Remind yourself that you are in charge. Even though it might feel like other people or external situations are making you feel negative feelings, we know that our thoughts about those people and experiences are what lead to our feelings. Again, this is good news because it gives you all the control. You get to decide how you feel.
3. Challenge yourself to “switch the track.” Once you know that your thoughts are leading to feelings you do not want to have, you can “switch the track” by thinking about something that leads you to feeling happy. This might be a positive aspect of whatever is happening now, something you are grateful for or even a memory of something you experienced in the past that makes you feel good. You might even find it most helpful to just distract yourself (possibly with a good movie, funny YouTube clips or an interesting podcast).
4. Don’t give up. Changing any habit takes purposeful effort and repetition. If you find it is hard to catch the negative thinking, or even harder to “switch the track,” know it will get easier the more you practice and strengthen that “muscle.” Just because something is hard does not mean it doesn’t work. Give it time and stick with it. You will absolutely experience the difference firsthand.
If you would like to learn more about this topic or to get support in learning and practicing how to manage your experiences differently, please contact Psychological Services Bureau at (213) 738-3500 to schedule an appointment. All appointments are confidential and free of charge for Department employees and their significant others. To obtain additional information, visit our intranet site on SharePoint.